Dress Code:
You are advised to come to work dressed according to your
salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci
bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore
do not need a raise.
If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money
better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do
not need a raise.
If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and
therefore you do not need a raise.
Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of
sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor; you are able to
come to work.
Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are
called Saturdays & Sundays.
Bereavement Leave:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do
for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should
be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements.
In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary; the
funeral should be scheduled in The late afternoon. We will be
glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and
subsequently leave one hour early.
Bathroom Breaks:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is
now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end
of three minutes, and alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll
will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be
taken.
After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the
company bulletin board under he "Chronic Offenders" category.
Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the
company's mental health policy.
Lunch Break:
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat
more, so that they can look healthy.
Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced
meal to maintain their average figure. Chubby people get 5
minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a
Slim-Fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to
provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all
questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations,
irritations, aggravations, insinuations,allegations,
accusations, contemplation's, consternation and input should be
directed elsewhere.
5 They Said....
LOL Dont let my Boss see this!
I thot slavery was abolished.
Hey, you stole my company's policy (but that's ok, you can keep it, heh heh) 
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